The Weight We Carry Inside Our Happiness

Over the years, something unexpected happened: guilt became a shadow following me whenever happiness tried to enter my life.

Three years later, and I still find myself feeling guilty for being happy.Have you ever gone through something so horrific that you couldn’t see a way out of it? That was me. I didn’t see a path forward. I didn’t see myself living beyond that moment.

But God. He met me in the pieces. He met me in the quiet. He met me in the parts of myself I thought were too broken to be touched.

It was God who held me when I couldn’t hold myself. It was God who gave me peace when everything inside me was storming. And even as I embraced healing, I still felt guilty in this new chapter.

There is a part of me that stayed tied to the unhealed, depressed version of myself because that’s the version that felt closest to my heaven baby. That version of me was surrounded by grief, and grief felt like the only connection I had left to him.

So now, as life continues to move forward, there are days and weeks when guilt hits me hard.Like… How am I just moving forward without him? How can life be allowed to feel good again?

But the truth is, I’m not moving on.I’m moving with him.

There isn’t a day I don’t think about him, and I know that will never change. He is part of me. He is woven into my heart, my motherhood, my faith, and my purpose.

I’m trying to find a place within myself where I can accept both: the reality of the loss and the reality of the happiness God is giving me now. Both can exist. Both belong to me. Both are valid.

I deserve to be happy. Not because the pain is over but because God has promised healing, purpose, and restoration even in the middle of my grief.

Happiness doesn’t erase the love I have for my son. Happiness doesn’t replace the memories I never got to make. Happiness doesn’t close the chapter it simply lights it.

I am learning to give myself permission to feel joy without guilt. To trust that God can hold my grief and my healing at the same time.To believe that my baby is honored not only in my tears, but also in my smiles.

This journey isn’t easy, but I am walking it.One prayer, one breath, one moment of courage at a time.

And this is for anyone who may be feeling guilt in their happiness.

You deserve joy.You deserve moments of peace. You deserve to laugh again without questioning if it’s “too soon.”Your happiness doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them. Your healing doesn’t mean the love you carry has faded.

You can honor your loved one and still allow yourself to breathe.You can cherish their memory and still build a life that holds beauty.You can cry and smile.You can remember and grow.You can grieve and still choose life.

Happiness doesn’t erase the love you lost it simply proves that love changed you.

And as you navigate this difficult space, season, or moment, remember this:

You are not alone.You deserve every good thing that happens to you.

With You, Tsedaye